We had elected to watch 'Hansel & Gretel - Witch Hunters'. We knew it was going to be painfully average, but were hoping for that guilty pleasure / secretly enjoyable type of average.
The final verdict of how we felt about the movie is a definite "We have no freakin' clue."
This film boasted a painfully obvious story line, plot holes with such gape they made porn stars jealous, hooker-cheap CGI, and the kind of 'stunts' that made all of us reminisce about the Saturday nights of our youth, spent religiously watching Xena and Hercules.
We were also left with some pressing questions, and some giggle-worthy comparisons...
Question:
Even if we ignore the fact that every character in this film seems to have a different accent, we are forced to ask: Was Gemma Arterton forced to do an American accent only because Jeremy Renner couldn't pull off a English one? A great number of the cast used English accents, and Gemma is English. So, why not allow her to just use her normal voice? Ah...Mysteries.
Theory:
Jeremy Renner is the poor man's Nathan Fillion -
Fillion is on the right. He is also incredibly yummy. Nom nom nom!
Observation:
Edward, the troll who serves Witches, has a striking character resemblance to Ludo, the friendly beast from The Labyrinth.
I'm not sure if its the over sized costume, the simple child-like vocabulary spoken in a pleasing baritone, or just the fact that whenever Edward came on screen I had the over whelming urge to growl; 'Ludo, down! Ludo! Doooown!"
I'm not sure if its the over sized costume, the simple child-like vocabulary spoken in a pleasing baritone, or just the fact that whenever Edward came on screen I had the over whelming urge to growl; 'Ludo, down! Ludo! Doooown!"
Slow, sweet, and simple. Huge heart. Strong yet clumsy. Fits both Edward and Ludo.
Edward also bares a striking character resemblance to Hodor, the simple soul who carries around little Lord Bran Stark in Game of Thrones. Seriously, if I didn't have a Ludo inspired quote in my head, I most certainly had "Hodor! Hodor!" on repeat.
''Hodor!"
Final thoughts:
All these picture comparisons aside, the overwhelming question is; 'Who was this movie for?'
Final thoughts:
All these picture comparisons aside, the overwhelming question is; 'Who was this movie for?'
The simple fact is, due to quite a few drops of the F-Bomb, quite excessive violence (no matter how poorly portrayed), and some other bits and pieces, this film really is not suitable for young kids.
But, due to its lack of a decent plot, crummy CGI, and bad-ninja-film / Xena-meets-Hercules style stunts, it's not exactly captivating for adults.
We were left deciding that despite its M15+ rating, the audience of the film should really be young teens.
The creators of this film had two very cool, very doable options to make it far more accessible and awesome to different markets, but for whatever reason they did not take them.
They had all the makings of a 'scary' family-type film, with bright colours, properly scary characters, and the strong message that good always overcomes evil. I'm thinking something along the lines of the Tim Burton remakes of Willy Wonka and Alice in Wonderland...
They also could have taken this film to a far darker level and made it an R rated dark twisted fairy tale.
The could have put dark filters over the footage (think about how grungy Fight Club looked), hired incredible SFX artists for all the gore instead of using shitty CGI (splatter packs will always beat 'blood' graphics), added some depth and morbid twists to the story (God knows there was room), and they just may have had a decent adult fairy tale. Maybe.
Anyway, final verdict?
It's pretty terrible. Definitely not one of the worst films I've seen, but certainly not one I'd rush to watch again. It's good enough for a mindless candy watch - you really don't have to concentrate at all.
Even good for a few laughs (at it's expense of course, not because jokes were intended).
So, if you see it on TV and you need something to occupy yourself with for 15 minutes before the show you actually want to watch comes on the other channel, this may just be the film for you.
Maybe.
We were left deciding that despite its M15+ rating, the audience of the film should really be young teens.
The creators of this film had two very cool, very doable options to make it far more accessible and awesome to different markets, but for whatever reason they did not take them.
They had all the makings of a 'scary' family-type film, with bright colours, properly scary characters, and the strong message that good always overcomes evil. I'm thinking something along the lines of the Tim Burton remakes of Willy Wonka and Alice in Wonderland...
They also could have taken this film to a far darker level and made it an R rated dark twisted fairy tale.
The could have put dark filters over the footage (think about how grungy Fight Club looked), hired incredible SFX artists for all the gore instead of using shitty CGI (splatter packs will always beat 'blood' graphics), added some depth and morbid twists to the story (God knows there was room), and they just may have had a decent adult fairy tale. Maybe.
Anyway, final verdict?
It's pretty terrible. Definitely not one of the worst films I've seen, but certainly not one I'd rush to watch again. It's good enough for a mindless candy watch - you really don't have to concentrate at all.
Even good for a few laughs (at it's expense of course, not because jokes were intended).
So, if you see it on TV and you need something to occupy yourself with for 15 minutes before the show you actually want to watch comes on the other channel, this may just be the film for you.
Maybe.
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